I have officially had the breakdown I felt was coming.
In a nutshell, everything is too much for me at the moment and I seriously considered heading off into the cold night and never coming back - ever..
Erynn has been stomping all over my VERY LAST NERVE. BJ has been around a lot more this year which is awesome but she is still relying way too much on me and I am done with it. After a lovely dose of stomach cramps (thanks mother nature) on Thursday night, I was curled up in a warm bed asleep by 7pm. 15 mins later BJ was putting Erynn to bed and it went to shit from there. She kept yelling out for me and screaming at BJ she didnt want him and only wanted her mum. I had HAD ENOUGH after 20 minutes. I stormed out of our room (putting a hole in the wall with the door handle - WOOPSY), yelled at Erynn to get into bed then started in on BJ. After I had my say, I grabbed my car keys and took off. If I had taken my handbag with me, I would never have come back.
MY JOB - I have an awesome job with a government department and I love it but as I am only on contract, it has to be advertised and I need to apply for it like every other person. This stresses me out. Not only am I good at what I do, but these guys really like me and the way I do the job. I HATE replying to selection criteria - it seriously does my head in. Then there is the answering the calls of those enquiring about the job that I answer as my supervisor is the person looking after the queries - it was really hard not to say the job is taken, BUGGER OFF. So now I need to wait around and see if I at least get an interview. I hate this process.
MY WEIGHT - yep we are going to beat this dead donkey AGAIN. I am fat and overweight by about 20kg. Its a vicous cycle I am stuck in as I am an emotional eater. No specific emotion - ALL OF THEM.
Me 6 months ago about 5kg lighter than I am now.
I have a treadmill and crosstrainer, zumba dvd's and a husband willing to train me but I dont seem to be able to get my shit together.
I spent 2 hours last night going through my weight watchers stuff and am officially on the wagon again this morning. This afternoon, I need to nut up and use the equipment I have downstairsto get this body of mine into shape. Only I can fix this and it is not going to come off a quick as I want so I need to put my head down and huge arse up and JUST DO IT.
I have made a big decision - I am back on the happy pills again for a while. I am drowning and feel that I need some help to get on an even keel again.
I need to go and get some stuff done.
Onward
Kim aka FATTY BOOMBA
You are NOT a fatty boomba - you are a great woman, a fantastic friend and a loving and good natured person. I'm glad you're back on the happy pills, I think it will just give you that edge you need - everybody has bad periods honey, you're human, you are such a perfectionist though - and I know that you find it hard to be less than 200%. I'm here for you, as always and very proud of the decisions you have taken over the last few days.
ReplyDeleteHugs my friend, you're doing the right thing.
x x x
The only bloody fatty boomba (too funny) is ME!
ReplyDeleteYOu will be fine girl, so will Erynn! She has to learn to do what her Dad tells her too... so you need to take a step back?
As for storming out of the house.. well done! Time out is essential in those situations... I have been there only 3 times in my whole marriage with Stew... and I smashed a door in the kitchen by slamming it too hard! Go the hole in the wall... we need to vent sometimes. lol
Good on you for going back on the happy pills... sometimes we just know what we have to do..and do it!
Both "Apple" and I are here to support you, listen to your drivel and tell you it's OK to be YOU.
Good luck with the job ... that sucks but I am sure you are one amazing chick who will get her job permanently!